Where Have I Gone?

Today I got a message on my last post made 19 days ago.  The message was from my blogging friend katyoparty over at ArtOutWithYourHeArtOut   The message said: “Where are you?  I’ve missed your posts!”  

What a good question – where am I?

As I pondered what to say in response I rejected all the reasons I might normally give – busy with clients, busy in the art room, busy reading, busy listening to self improvement CD’s, busy with family, busy with Orlando, busy playing slotomania on facebook …….

The truth is I’m not busy, I’m evading.

I’m evading the season, the weather, the emotional pulls that revisit at this time every year,.  I’m in survival mode.

And I’m barely making it.

My work as a life coach means I help others find a path through their troubles, I teach them how to change their thinking from glass half empty to glass half full.  I encourage, I make them exercise their emotional muscles, I give homework and never accept excuses when they try to fool themselves or feed me red herrings.  They tell me I am a good life coach.  I know I change lives, I am their mentor and none of them know when I am wobbly.  I don’t let them see it.

But it’s really hard to coach yourself!

Having chosen to leave my ultra busy and over extended previous existence to become more quiet and contemplative in my daily life, I live far away from my life long friends and I have no family except my two beautiful and loving daughters.

I’m struggling with a question that goes something like this:  how do I remain grateful for all I already have while wishing for something more?  The longing for my family to be closer geographically tips me out of my contentment with what is.  I become impatient and discontented with my situation.  I lose the art of living in the moment, which is my greatest treasure.

Katy’s caring comment went bang straight into my heart.  It came at a moment when I was feeling especially vulnerable having just read a couple of posts.  One on dealing with loss and the other a really good Johnny Cash quote which hit home quite strongly.  

I was on the verge of making the decision to pull myself up by the shoe laces, white knuckle it and get over myself.  At a time when I felt really alone and really tired of being alone and really fed up with yet another year when the shadows from my past start to gather about and attempt to drag me back to a place I left long ago.

And somehow that question made it all alright.  In this strange and still somewhat alien blogosphere someone notices your absence, someone cares enough to say hey, how you doin’?  And a shaft of sunlight blazes into the place where my heart huddles coldly and reignites it.

Thank you for caring enough to send that message Katy.  I am here, and I will be just fine now.

And I bet you never expected to get a response like that to your friendly enquiry!  🙂

Eight Weeks Later …… An Update

I started this blog at about the same time I decided to improve my life style – the two were not linked, purely coincidental …….. My reason for starting [the blog] was to make myself keep track of what was coming from my craft room, something I was – and am – notoriously shabby at!

The reason for changing my lifestyle was to get out of my own way and do something about the state of my overall health.

If you have read previous posts – about 6 of you I believe – you’ll have a bit of an idea of what I’ve been doing in the kitchen.  I thought I might do a couple of days and then quit – missing bread and sugar too much – but I didn’t.

So I said to myself ‘Well, I’ll finish the week and see’.  I did and carried on.

I said ‘Well, I’ll do it til I can’t any more’ [which statement can only come from a place of deprivation].  And still I happily continued.

Somewhere along the road I realised I wasn’t deprived – I was eating more than I did before – now partaking of delicious breakfasts, lunches and dinners whereas previously I had often not eaten all day and found myself on the verge of keeling over about 4 pm.  At that point I would head for the fridge and start grazing, often continuing until late in the evening……  Now I happily potter about in the kitchen creating great tasting food which heals my body and feeds my soul.

Now I’m not a person who likes to share her aches and pains with the rest of the world.  If you ask how I am I will smile brightly and chirp ‘Just fine thank you – and you?’  Or if it’s a person I know will share all their woes with me and I’m in a ‘can’t be bothered’ kind of a mood I’ll chirp ‘Why, just a box of fluffy ducks thank you’ and continue on with a change of subject or bustle busily away.

But now that they are all gone I think it is time to list the reasons why I needed to do something.  Her’s how it all began back in ’99:

  • Me and a stressed out, exhausted, workaholic lifestyle
  • Me, a steep flight of concrete steps and an ambulance
  • Me, a left knee and a right hip – neither of which worked at all any more
  • Me, a cigarette and a heart attack – or three
  • Me, no cigarettes and a box of chocolates stuck in bed due to points 2, 3 and 4
  • Me and a greatly increased girth due to all of the above points
  • Me and the passing of 10 years with not a lot changing except point 1

General health liabilities included unstable angina, stiff and painful joints, hip problems, knee problems, difficulty walking due to hip and knee issues. Obesity – and an inability to lose weight.  Low functioning thyroid, unstable cholesterol rates, high blood pressure or low blood pressure depending on the weather I think……  Add into this panic attacks and agoraphobia, sadness, depression, and loss of motivation and interest in life.

I worked my way out of that last part of the litany of horrors and learned again to look for the sunshine, I spent years peeling back layers to get to the bottom of the issues and learn again to take responsibility and to forgive others and most importantly, myself.  Learning and relearning – no wonder I ended up as a life coach!!

My health would improve, then take a dive again for no apparent reason.  Eventually I came to see that certain types of food might be the issue and I tried various diets and fasts and all that – none of which I stuck to for very long [due to the deprivation issue.]

Then we arrived at the timeline of 8 weeks ago and little did I appreciate how very much would change!  Here is absolute proof that our wellbeing is defined by what we put into our mouths – who knew??!!

Look back at the paragraph below the points and at every comma or new sentence add in another word in parenthesesGONE ]  

But here’s the big thing – I wake up every morning with a vague sense of elation, a feeling of joy, of excitement, of expectation that the day will bring something good.  

And it generally does!!!