Where Have I Gone?

Today I got a message on my last post made 19 days ago.  The message was from my blogging friend katyoparty over at ArtOutWithYourHeArtOut   The message said: “Where are you?  I’ve missed your posts!”  

What a good question – where am I?

As I pondered what to say in response I rejected all the reasons I might normally give – busy with clients, busy in the art room, busy reading, busy listening to self improvement CD’s, busy with family, busy with Orlando, busy playing slotomania on facebook …….

The truth is I’m not busy, I’m evading.

I’m evading the season, the weather, the emotional pulls that revisit at this time every year,.  I’m in survival mode.

And I’m barely making it.

My work as a life coach means I help others find a path through their troubles, I teach them how to change their thinking from glass half empty to glass half full.  I encourage, I make them exercise their emotional muscles, I give homework and never accept excuses when they try to fool themselves or feed me red herrings.  They tell me I am a good life coach.  I know I change lives, I am their mentor and none of them know when I am wobbly.  I don’t let them see it.

But it’s really hard to coach yourself!

Having chosen to leave my ultra busy and over extended previous existence to become more quiet and contemplative in my daily life, I live far away from my life long friends and I have no family except my two beautiful and loving daughters.

I’m struggling with a question that goes something like this:  how do I remain grateful for all I already have while wishing for something more?  The longing for my family to be closer geographically tips me out of my contentment with what is.  I become impatient and discontented with my situation.  I lose the art of living in the moment, which is my greatest treasure.

Katy’s caring comment went bang straight into my heart.  It came at a moment when I was feeling especially vulnerable having just read a couple of posts.  One on dealing with loss and the other a really good Johnny Cash quote which hit home quite strongly.  

I was on the verge of making the decision to pull myself up by the shoe laces, white knuckle it and get over myself.  At a time when I felt really alone and really tired of being alone and really fed up with yet another year when the shadows from my past start to gather about and attempt to drag me back to a place I left long ago.

And somehow that question made it all alright.  In this strange and still somewhat alien blogosphere someone notices your absence, someone cares enough to say hey, how you doin’?  And a shaft of sunlight blazes into the place where my heart huddles coldly and reignites it.

Thank you for caring enough to send that message Katy.  I am here, and I will be just fine now.

And I bet you never expected to get a response like that to your friendly enquiry!  🙂

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13 thoughts on “Where Have I Gone?

  1. This post is really beautiful and touching. It is very eloquent and honest. You seem like such a lovely person – I hope life is treating you kindly, and that all the beauty and love you put out into the world comes back to you many times magnified. : )))x

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    • Thank you Anne, your words touch my heart! Happily I am back in balance again, I take lessons from Orlando! I am so happy to see you have spent some time here, thank you, I really appreciate it.

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  2. Pauline, you express your thoughts so beautifully in writing. Thank you for stepping out of the “evading” state. I feel blessed that you grace my blog often to respond to my posts and share your thoughts. The people who have you as their life coach are also blessed to have you.

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    • Thank you Elaine, you are very kind! I enjoy your blog:-) I like it when someone takes the time to drop me a note in response to my ramblings so I figure that reaching out to other bloggers whose thoughts I empathise with, or enjoy in some manner, gives them pleasure too. I am touched at your comment, thank you so much!

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  3. This is lovely Pauline! I’ve been stuck in the shadows myself these last couple of weeks so I can understand your struggles but its good to see you emerge. And writings from the heart like this always find its way into another’s heart; you’ve touched my heart this morning, thank you 🙂 Hope you have a beautiful day (or night?).

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    • Good Morning Char! I was tucked up in bed when you left your message [1.35am my time it says] Isn’t it interesting that whenever you get to the point when you say ‘well, f#@-it I can’t keep on pretending all is well” and decide to ‘fess up – all suddenly becomes well! It’s like the fog clears and there is space for people to come close again……Mmmmm, must remember this ….. [giggle] 🙂 Big hug!

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